It’s Monday, January 4, 2021… the first Monday of the new year, and I woke up without any sense of direction or purpose.
Looking within, I notice I’m experiencing a lot of resistance.
- Resistance to the idea of the need to be productive and busy now that it’s a new year.
- Resistance to the idea of jumping back on the hamster wheel.
- Resistance to the idea that I should be feeling reinvigorated or excited.
I’m noticing the programming from years of practice… that the first of the year means renewed focus, commitment and action… so I woke up feeling rudderless because the year 2020 was such a bizarre one. It’s really just a clerical event, but we have created so much meaning and importance around the ticking of time over from one year to the next.
Last year at this time I was very busy… packing and getting my condo ready to sell, so I could move across the country to live near my son and daughter-in-law. So, I had purpose, meaning, intention and action when I awoke on January 1, 2020.
But January 1, 2021 is a different animal altogether. What’s really changed from December 31, 2020 to January 1, 2021? We are still in a global pandemic, countries and governments are still imposing lockdowns… and somehow, I feel like a majority of people expected it to all magically change overnight when the date on the calendar rolled over.
Nothing feels different, except for a false impression that it somehow should be. It’s like January 1, 2021 was supposed to signal a return to normal. But that, of course, did not occur. Nor would I wish it to return to the normal of days past. I don’t want my future to be a replica of the years I’ve spent so far. I don’t want to rejoin the army of doers, of busy-makers, of grinding without paying heed to our need for self-care and quietude.
I’m an introvert, so I loved the excuse provided by the pandemic to stay home. Honestly? It was a dream come true for me. I love to be in my own space, in the sanctuary that is my home. And doing that is what became normalized during 2020. But now I’m getting that old, agitated feeling that I’m supposed to be “doing” something new, big, exciting… and I just don’t have the energy, enthusiasm or drive for that.
- Have I made a 6-month, 12-month, or 5-year plan? No.
- Have I created a shiny new program for my coaching practice? No.
- Do I feel motivated to do so? No. I’m not done marinating in the cocoon of 2020 yet.
Do I feel guilty about that? …yes I do, sort of… that’s part of my agitation. My underlying belief system, installed decades ago, is telling me I am being lazy and slacking off, that I offer no value to the world. Those feelings are trying to exert themselves into my mental state in order to get me motivated to “do” something.
But, among the many gifts of 2020, I learned several things about myself.
- I learned more about what it means to be a Projector in Human Design. Projectors don’t generate well… we need to work differently than others. We need to work in short increments, with down-time and rest in between periods of productivity. So I have embraced this concept, and rather than waking up, getting up and actively starting my day right away, I have taken the advice offered by Human Design, and I remain in bed for a period of time after waking. I read, meditate, contemplate, snuggle my dog… until my body feels ready to move into action. This feels much more aligned for me.
- I learned to release the pressure to conform to the idea that an early riser is a better person. My circadian rhythms are not optimized for early mornings. I’m not ever going to be attending yoga, or working out at 5AM to start my day. I tried that for a while, and I felt ill for the entire day every time.
- I learned that when I listen to my intuition, I can access tremendous information. So I do that all the time now. For 4 days so far this year, I’ve been getting intuitive hits that something is amiss. This blog post speaks to exactly what that is. It’s the old programing telling me to be productive, battling the reality of the fact that the calendar doesn’t mean a damn thing with regard to when or what I’m ready to do. My intuition has been nudging me to listen to the last part of that message, to heed it, to embrace it.
For the past several years, I have taken to setting a theme for the ensuing year. So far, I’m still waiting for inspiration to strike as far as my 2021 theme goes. My internal inquiries about what my theme might be are what allowed me to realize the degree of resistance I’m facing, and why.
I say all of this to say… if you’re not feeling motivated to commit to anything big or new right now… it’s OK! Don’t beat yourself up or judge yourself over a clerical event. Time is passing the same as it was before… and if you feel you need more time in your cocoon, then please give yourself guiltless permission to stay right there! Your day will come when you will feel ready to emerge in your own time, on your own terms, in your own way.
Maybe I just found my theme for 2021.